A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the
curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted
friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."Breathing a
sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way downa one-way street when
a policeman pulled him over. "Didn'tyou see the arrow, buddy?" he asked."An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut...
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut througha graveyard. It is
raining heavily and very dark. The drunkfails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries toclimb out of it, but it is
too deep and the rain has turnedthe dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. Hegives up after a while and decides
to spend the night there. A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar anddecides to take the same shortcut through the
graveyard. He,too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out butthe mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still
sittingthere and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to getout. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on
theshoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!". He did.
A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.Pretty soon
a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here", said the one in the grave, "I'm cold". The other one looked over the edge
and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you".
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until
the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he
takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on
his rear end.That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they
broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes
later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut
up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went tobed.The next morning,
his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story,
when his wife came into the bedroom."Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?""I worked late,"
he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.""A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last
night. Where the heck did you go?""What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?""Well," she replied, "my first big
clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.Approaching the
friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?""My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000.""Gee,
that's tough," he replied."Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000.""Wow. Two parents gone
in two months. No wonder you're depressed.""And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.""Three close family members
lost in three months? How sad.""Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned somethingabout
his girlfriend being out in the car.The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked
inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head
and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.The drunk staggered
outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriendentwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" thebartender
asked."That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Are caterpillars good to eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?Father: Have I not told you never
to mention such things during meals!Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?Johnny: It's because
I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
From Reuters News Service:Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed
a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided
a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead
showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:A gelatin
mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be
at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth
that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs,
two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle
of whisky.Sample the whisky to check for quality.Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon
of sugar and beat again.Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to
the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose
with a drewscriver.Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check
the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.Grease
the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the
whisky again and go to bed.
What Exactly Is Marriage?"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't
have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose
to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got
to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not.
She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years oldHow Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?"You flip a nickel, and heads means
you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's
what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years oldConcerning the Proper Age to Get
Married"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years oldHow Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?"They
were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because
it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old"My father was doing some strange chores for
my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years oldWhat Do Most People Do on a Date?"On the first date, they
just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old"Many
daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years oldWhen Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?"You
should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos
of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees
you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years
oldThe Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten
years old"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years
old"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling
you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was
with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said,
"Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you'd better
have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat
your own.Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by
boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to
not upset the children.Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.Two-minute warning: When the
baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of
the kids that live in your house.Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
A secret pregnant lover
At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months
pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the
groom if he didn't marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife, and I am told that the groom
very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.
A staged wedding to bust dealers
As supposedly reported on CNN:Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's
daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).The bride and groom were police,
as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards),
and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.The long-sought dealers were arrested after
the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"
A sudden change of mind
My Dearest Susan,Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our
engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can
fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning?
I love you so.Yours always and truly,JohnP.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.